growing is my new normal...

sometimes i feel like it's silly for me to remark on how busy my life has become. if you were to compare my life to that of some of my dear friends, you'd most likely pat me on the back with a bit of gentle humor and say "there, there." i don't try to pretend that i know what it is like to be a mom of more than 2 children and all the added responsibilities that come along with it. i also don't want to be seen as a victim or as if my heart is discontented with the comings and goings of my life. the truth is, i am a very blessed woman. i have a loving husband, two of the most beautiful and wonderful children a person could ask for, a wonderful family - both immediate and extended, some of the greatest friends who double as family, and most importantly, a God who chose me to be His and continues to show me His love and His provision for me and my family. so i don't ever want to sound ungrateful. i love my life.

that being said: i have learned a few things recently about myself that has shown me not only have i grown a lot as a person, a mom, a wife, and friend; there is still a lot more growing that i have to do.

growing personally is similar to growing physically: there are some very uncomfortable growing pains. for me, growing consists of several things. i am becoming bolder; bolder in my walk with the Lord and showing Jesus to the world and bolder socially. in the world of facebook and social media, i unfortunately have succumb to the train of thought that if i don't agree with the masses, i just shouldn't speak. i've allowed myself to become meek in my convictions because what i believe causes too much drama and is better kept to myself because it goes against the grain. thankfully, i am becoming more aware that these are falsehoods and i ought to be bold in my beliefs. that being said, i also am learning which battles i should and should not fight. 

growing looks like making important decisions that affect not only myself, but also my husband and my children. since we've arrived in california, i've had to make some big adjustments. i have had to humble my pride and accept that we are in financial hardship (as usual) and are living with my in-laws. they are gracious enough to have us, but obviously it is not the most ideal situation. i dream of having my own place that i can nest and nurture my family with no restrictions. (please don't get the wrong idea: my in-laws are amazing and have made me feel at home.) but in this, i am learning the importance of prioritizing between needs and wants. the majority of "extras" that i purchase are for my children. quite a bit of my time is spent looking, researching, and thinking of things to help my kids, all the while attempting to be a helpful friend by being bold, honest, and real in my actions. it's difficult. i've had to give hard advice at the risk of losing friendships. i've had to be truthful when holding my tongue would have been a much easier course of action. i've had to take steps away from people because i've learned that negativity and anger breeds more negativity and anger. there is no reason for me to perpetuate that type of atmosphere because my life is busy and difficult enough for me to add anger and negativity, especially when it bleeds over to how i treat my family. i've also had to take a real look at the quality of conversation i was engaged in. there was too much political debate, too much gossip, and not enough fruitful conversation that encouraged growth both spiritually and personally.

growing also looks like allowing myself to truly get out of my comfort zone and become an advocate for my son. if you know me, you would know that i hate to make phone calls. i hate having to hunt people down and make advances in situations in order to make sure things are done correctly and in a timely fashion. i'd much rather send an email and communicate via a screen than over the phone with an actual voice on the other end. i have very little confidence in my ability to get my point across eloquently and clearly and i have real anxiety over talking about things with people in "authority" (i.e. doctors, psychologists, social workers). also, waiting has become a very uncomfortable requirement in my life. if there is a problem in my life or in the life of those close to me, i want to fix them as quickly as possible. it is so hard for me to be patient in situations like this. however, i've had to come to grips with the fact that waiting is a new norm in my life. thankfully, God has been incredibly gracious and has allowed a lot of our experiences to run relatively smoothly. i know that won't always be the case. nonetheless, i am appreciative of the slow growing curve that has been yielded to me. 

growing is painful, but i am glad to grow rather than stay the same. being able to be stronger in my walk with the Lord, a better wife to my husband, to provide a more well-rounded life for my children, and a better friend to those around me is worth all these growing pains and discomfort. my days are busy. my nights are busy. i have a lot on my plate and often times i'm incredibly overwhelmed. i'm spread thin, i'm tired more often than not, i'm uncomfortable in my skin, and my brain is incredibly foggy. (this journal entry has taken me over an hour to write because i quite literally forget words...) but it will all be worth it. my new normal is growing on me...