is it enough?

some days i think i am way less useful than i should/could be. those are the days where the kids wake up extra early and have more fuss-fests than usual, bud and i don't see eye to eye on things, or my body aches and feels like it is failing. and i hate to admit that those days come more often than i'd like. feelings of inadequacy are a battle all mothers have to fight at some point. it's a battle that they have to fight hard to come out on top on the other side. it's fierce and it's ugly.

some days are completely demoralizing because no matter how much you get done... there is always more. i don't have enough hands to get all the chores done around the house and how are there so many dishes and why is the laundry already piling up when i just finished putting away clean clothes yesterday. my lap is no longer big enough to hold both the kids at the same time (comfortably) because they are growing. i'm so tired that i actually fell asleep while playing with the kids. one child is running wild around the house while the other is nursing. my brain is constantly turning and cannot take a breather because the dog is sick, the daughter is sick, i'm getting sick, the son has autism and he's getting sick, money is tight, doctor's appointments and weight checks and EEG's and insurance calls, authorization for ABA therapy, getting my son to and from school. i'm also trying to better myself with diet and exercise and tracking my food... the cat made a mess, my son had a 20 minute screaming meltdown because he didn't want me to leave his room at bedtime, and it's my 10 year anniversary and i've planned absolutely nothing. if you couldn't tell already, i am feeling quite overwhelmed...

and in this very moment, i am convicted. i'm convicted for not pressing into the Lord for His help the way i should. i'm convicted because i feel like i'm complaining within my own heart and not being satisfied or content. i'm convicted because i fought and prayed so hard for the life of a mom and its horrible to say that i have days where it's very much a job and i wish i could take a day off. i'm convicted because i am not alone, yet i feel like i need to carry so much on my shoulders to make everyone around me happy and at peace. i am convicted because others have much more they are wrestling... how silly is it of me to make a peep about what i'm going through. i'm convicted because i'm also not showing myself grace and i'm convicted because i feel like i am just complaining where much rejoicing could be had. 

just today i heard my son sing "row row row your boat" in the bathtub. just today i got to see my daughter playing with 10 other kids who love her. just today i got to spend time with a dear friend and laugh, joke, and play. just today, i picked up my son from school and he ran and jumped right into my arms. just today, i got to kiss my kids and husband.

there is so much to be thankful for and to find joy in. yet i can't help but think... am i doing enough? am i being a good enough helpmate to my husband. am i engaging enough with my son to help him with his autism. am i being aggressive enough with what he needs. am i providing enough for my daughter. am i giving my husband enough quality attention. am i making my in-laws happy... is it enough?

Lord, help me to see myself through your eyes. help me to hold on tight to your promises that you are with me and will never forsake me. that in my weakness i am made strong. that your grace and mercy is sufficient to cover all my needs. help me to press into you and your word when i'm feeling down. help me to cover my husband, my children, family and friends with prayer. help me to praise you in the storm and to know that you are with me. always. amen.