As life continues to grow in my womb, there are so many thoughts I've been having. What diapers, what baby wrap, what clothes, names, school schedules, work schedules, what to do when baby gets here! But on top of all that, I had put a lot of rules out there for the day when I finally got pregnant. If you didn't already know, it took several years for me to finally get pregnant. I had told myself I wouldn't announce it or post pictures as to be sensitive to my other TTC friends. I have several. However, my heart changed a bit once I saw that positive sign. I felt totally conflicted; like I couldn't show my excitement as much as I wanted to; I needed to deny myself some of the small little joys my friends who got pregnant with ease experienced. Because let's face it, I felt all the pain when my friends posted the pictures and the updates. I didn't and still don't want to impose pain on my friends. I know that pain and unwavering desire to have life within you.
However, the more pressure I put on myself, the less I could enjoy this time with my unborn child. The more stress and worry I had, the more tense I became. I lacked the vibrancy and understanding that it was okay to be excited. While I mentioned some things here and there in the beginning, I didn't want to step on toes. But then I started showing and I took the leap to show my bump. The reason: my midwife told me to enjoy my pregnancy. Last week, a fellow student in my water aerobics class told me to live it up. Then she told me that she had waited too long to get pregnant, not believing in the biological clock. She and I talked about infertility and everything and what we both experienced. She was so encouraging and explained that I need to enjoy whatever size I have, whatever sickness I have, and to love this baby through my entire pregnancy; because I have been given the chance. It wasn't until she said that, until she encouraged me to enjoy every little bit, that I finally felt okay when I would post pics. (Granted, I still don't post baby stuff every day and I'm not going to go overboard.)
Before, I would haphazardly post my baby bump pictures and then post things directly after it, as to let it get lost in the clutter that is my Facebook page. I hurt because I couldn't experience what my friends experienced. I hurt because I didn't have a baby bump to show. But the past few weeks, I realize I started hurting because I didn't really know what to do with it all. I wanted to keep family and friends aware of the changes i was experiencing, especially those friends and family who have been praying for this for me for years! I wanted to show off this blessing, but didn't know if it was okay.
And now, I feel like it is okay to embrace it. I'm not going to go overboard, but I need to enjoy and experience all that I couldn't before. I'm trying to be as sensitive as possible, while simultaneously allowing myself and my husband to enjoy this time as we embark on this journey. A few of my friends told me that this is my time, and I didn't really take it to heart because I know the gut wrenching, heart breaking pain that infertility causes. I didn't listen to them, but they are my closest friends and they knew my pain because they wept and prayed alongside me. And I didn't see how precious their support was this whole time. I knew it was and i was always so thankful, but now I see how far that support goes and how they are excited for me and experiencing this with me as well.
So all this to say, because I feel like I am just rambling, I have given myself permission to be excited and to enjoy this experience. I won't go overboard, but baby bump pics, updates on midwife appointments, and other things that are key parts of this experience, I will share. I still and will always pray for my trying to conceive friends and even those that I don't know. I will be an advocate and offer support and love and ideas/hope as best as I can. I love you all. If you read all this, good job. It's definitely rambling. I have thoughts all the time and finally finished putting a lot of them down. Grace & Peace.
P.S. I will apologize whole heatedly to all my friends that I ever hurt while I was on the journey to conceive. I never meant to make you feel bad for getting pregnant and showing your bumps and talking about your pregnancy. It was totally selfish of me to impose my heartache on your special time. I am so sorry. I love you all.
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