so much poison in this world...

all this talk about the steubenville rape case, the talk about the ohio boy who gave the finger to the parents of the students he killed, and the rapes that have happened in india... my heart is in full grief mode. and it is seriously affecting me. bud and i pray every night about this world, about those things that our heart yearns for, and for God's grace to cover those around us and in this world. however, my heart cannot take much more of this; the pain of others grieves me to the point of tears. i often ask God why, but not for an understanding of why bad things happen to people, but why did He feel fit to give me so much empathy for those in this world, so much so that my heart is burdened by other people's burdens. i realize that we are to bear one another's struggles, we are to help each other through this life; however, maybe i am overly concerned about the welfare of people...

the things on my heart at this very moment: (i apologize if this is difficult to follow, i'm just bursting and unleashing all my thoughts and feelings)

Easton.

there is a sweet little boy who is very sick with a horrible disease called epidermolysis bullosa, otherwise known as eb. he is nearly 7 months old and has struggled more than most adults in this world. eb is a horrible and rare skin disease in the connective tissue of the skin and mucous membranes that causes the skin to be so fragile that it blisters at the slightest friction, minor injury, heat, rubbing, or scratching. these blisters are severe blisters; not the blisters you get from wearing new shoes. these are blisters that bleed and cause horrible pain. the more he cries and flails his little arms in pain, the more blisters he causes to his body. it's the worst condition i have ever seen. the survival rate is low and there is no cure. this little boy, a sweet and precious little boy is suffering from this disease and is currently in very serious condition. and my heart aches to be with the family, it aches to hold his little hand as gently as possible, it hurts to know that he is hurting and in so much pain. i am brought to tears just at the thought of these things happening...

yet i know this world is sinful and evil and that these things happen as a result of sin. and then i realize that as bad as this is... the wrath that Jesus felt on the cross was 10000000000 times worse. and that is beyond my comprehension, that is beyond anything i could even fathom. and when i look at easton, i love him. i love his life and i hate sin. i HATE it. for what it does and what it causes. and then i get overwhelmed because i am a sinner. i sin daily, i screw up and then i remember that Jesus felt and experienced worse than easton... my heart can barely handle it all... God please bring me to this realization everyday, but please God, be merciful. heal baby easton or bring him home to you, be merciful and help me to understand and grieve the sins of this world and remember how putrid and black it all is, but grant me mercy and grace to handle it in strides and to not be overcome with grief to the point of despair... but spur me to repentance daily and continue to sanctify me.

my life is full of children. my education is surrounded by information on and about children, their lives, and their development. my facebook is riddled with baby talk, baby announcements, baby complaints, pregnancy talk, pregnancy complaints, and baby pictures. it is just as much a joy as it is a pain in my baby yearning heart. i am surrounded by that which i love and want more than anything else in this world. the joy i see in my friends lives when they welcome their children into the world, the excitement they experience when they get a BIG FAT POSITIVE on that pregnancy test - they are all so exciting and amazing for me to see. please don't get me wrong, i am SO excited for my friends and blessed by their bundles of joy and the lives coming into this world. but please... bear with me. i need to say this because i have been harboring these feelings for months and months...

i know that pregnancy is not always pleasurable. have i had the aching back and the morning sickness? have i had the swollen feet, indigestion, and sleeplessness? no. and i'm sure it is horribly uncomfortable and i'm sorry. truly. but do i have a child that i get to cherish and hold in my arms? do i get to be blessed every day, even through sleepless nights and poopy diapers and feeling completely vulnerable to the experience of being a parent? no. i just ask, i plead that you would please use caution when throwing around your woes of pregnancy and childbearing... women like me, would take 9 straight months of indigestion, hot flashes, nausea, swollen feet, and uncomfortable sleeping situations to hold a child of their own to their chest and be blessed with the joy of a child to love and hold. husbands like mine would take 9 months of caring and nurturing their wife and dealing with mood swings and frustration if it meant to hold their child in their arms and joyfully cry alongside their wife on that blessed birthday.

i understand i am preaching to people on facebook and to people on blogs and to people all over... i am not meaning to be insensitive to what you are going through. i'm just saying, please PLEASE season your words with grace and take into consideration the pain that others feel at the sight of your status updates. i really wish i could ease your pain, i wish i could give you comfort during your frustration and discomfort. i wish i could give you peace and rest... but remind yourself of the joy of holding your precious one in your arms, against your breast, and the love and excitement that will trump all the pain and annoying feelings that you went through! oh the joy you will experience, oh the fun you will have! how exciting!

i had more on my mind but this is long enough and i do not want to just keep talking about things my heart is grieving about. my heart is full of love, emotions, and my mind is full of thoughts. show me grace. please do not get angry with me but see my heart for what it is: a very conflicted heart and mind that loves each and every one of my friends and wants nothing but the best. but also a person who has wanted to be a mommy since she was a kindergartner carrying around baby dolls and pretending to be their mommy and doctor at the same time. i love you. grace&peace.