lately, my mind has been a whirlwind of confusion and depression. it is so hard for me to admit it because, typically i am a very joyful and upbeat person. the glass is always half full. things will get better. smile, you're loved. however, lately, that is not how i feel. its been a very long time since i have felt despair, that i have felt so alone and vulnerable. my feelings stem from several things, but the major event in my life causing me to feel so low is my infertility. the pain from the lack of a baby in my arms that is a product of my husband and my love, grows steadily each day.
i want to vent. but i also feel awful venting, because life is not horrible. my life is not horrible. i have a roof over my head, i have a husband, family and friends who DO love me, i have a great church, i am going to school, i have a job, my husband has a great job, and with all these things considered, what right do i have to complain. i hate to complain. i can't stand it when people complain when things could be worse. but right now, i'm overwhelmed by all that i'm feeling. the intensity of my desire to have a child, this growing pain in my heart, hurts. no - it is not all that i think about. there are other things going on in my life causing me to feel sad and unlike myself. but infertility - its a whole different beast. within the last 2 weeks and throughout the next 10 weeks, i have/will have SEVERAL friends who will be welcoming precious little blessings into their lives. they will be holding their newborns to their breast, touching their skin, feeling their breathe on their neck, and hearing their coos and cries. what a wonderful and beautiful joy. and i am ridiculously happy for them. my heart leaps every time i hear of a baby being born. babies are a true blessing. a heritage from God. a true hope for the future. and they bring an insurmountable amount of joy into the world.
so why can't i hold on to the joy i have for others. why can't i just remain in peace at all times with regards to whether or not my husband and i will conceive a child. why does it hurt so much.
the thing with infertility, is its more than just feeling as if your body is broken. that it is in constant malfunction. that it is revolting against you, just to see you squirm. its more than feeling like less than a woman because, while your fellow female friends deal with regular month to month issues, i suffer with never knowing what will happen from day to day. granted, i've kind of accepted that part. i don't expect to have a cycle every month. in fact, i'm surprised and almost hopeful when i do finally have one. however, its that hope that i get when i randomly get a cycle, that hope that perhaps my body is starting to cooperate, that stings. add to that, crazy hormones that cause you to not be hungry at all for days and then the next few days, you're famished and you eat everything in sight. hormones that cause you to cry at stupid commercials or tv shows that are never meant to be emotional at all. hormones that cause you to lash out at your husband and make him feel like crap.
pile all the physical stuff, on top of the list of people asking when you're going to have children. "how long have you been trying? oh you'll get there. you're still so young. don't worry. you're just trying too hard. it will happen when its supposed to happen. don't worry, your day will come. trust me, you can wait to have kids - they are so much work. maybe if you lost weight. maybe if you ate strictly vegetarian. don't worry, it will happen when you least expect it. i've been trying for 6 months, how about you? i got pregnant after a year of trying, it will happen. God has a plan for your life." these are only a FEW of the things that well-meaning people have said to me. yes, i realize that they mean well, i realize they say these things with hope that it will make me feel better. and at the time when i hear it, God grants me a lot of graciousness and patience. because it is not anyone's fault and i cannot expect anyone to understand what those things really feel like when i hear it. certain people in my life, i definitely don't mind if they say certain things, because they have been going through this with me for years. but others, it hits like a spear.
just yesterday, my nephew asked me if i was going to have a baby in my tummy one day. i said "i sure hope so buddy." then he asked if everyone has babies. that gave me an opportunity to tell him that sometimes people don't have babies. sometimes people's bodies don't let them have babies. he asked if my body was keeping me from having babies. i told him, for now, its seems like it and i just have to keep praying for a baby. then i told him lets change the topic. he sweetly obliged and told me all about the biggest lizard ever! bless his sweet heart.
anyway - i'm just rambling and writing a book it seems. i haven't even really scratched the surface of all the feelings i have. and really... just like ron weasley says in harry potter: "one person couldn't feel all that. they'd explode." well yes, ronald weasley, at times i feel like i really will explode. anyway - i don't want to continue right now... but it does feel good to get some of this out in the open. i am going to be trying a PCOS diet and exercising more (however, my energy level is next to none and i have had no energy to go to the gym... which is unfortunate). i am going to continue drinking my fertilitea. i've only been drinking it for about a month, so i don't really expect anything this early. to be honest, i don't expect any results from it at all. the people at the fairhaven clinic suggested i take the fertility pills as well as drink the tea. we'll see what happens... maybe i will take them up on that. however, that is a bit pricey. alas, i'm really going to stop writing now. till another time when i feel like being open and honest with my broken body, my breaking heart, my melodramatic craziness, and my nonsensical me. ciao.
i want to vent. but i also feel awful venting, because life is not horrible. my life is not horrible. i have a roof over my head, i have a husband, family and friends who DO love me, i have a great church, i am going to school, i have a job, my husband has a great job, and with all these things considered, what right do i have to complain. i hate to complain. i can't stand it when people complain when things could be worse. but right now, i'm overwhelmed by all that i'm feeling. the intensity of my desire to have a child, this growing pain in my heart, hurts. no - it is not all that i think about. there are other things going on in my life causing me to feel sad and unlike myself. but infertility - its a whole different beast. within the last 2 weeks and throughout the next 10 weeks, i have/will have SEVERAL friends who will be welcoming precious little blessings into their lives. they will be holding their newborns to their breast, touching their skin, feeling their breathe on their neck, and hearing their coos and cries. what a wonderful and beautiful joy. and i am ridiculously happy for them. my heart leaps every time i hear of a baby being born. babies are a true blessing. a heritage from God. a true hope for the future. and they bring an insurmountable amount of joy into the world.
so why can't i hold on to the joy i have for others. why can't i just remain in peace at all times with regards to whether or not my husband and i will conceive a child. why does it hurt so much.
the thing with infertility, is its more than just feeling as if your body is broken. that it is in constant malfunction. that it is revolting against you, just to see you squirm. its more than feeling like less than a woman because, while your fellow female friends deal with regular month to month issues, i suffer with never knowing what will happen from day to day. granted, i've kind of accepted that part. i don't expect to have a cycle every month. in fact, i'm surprised and almost hopeful when i do finally have one. however, its that hope that i get when i randomly get a cycle, that hope that perhaps my body is starting to cooperate, that stings. add to that, crazy hormones that cause you to not be hungry at all for days and then the next few days, you're famished and you eat everything in sight. hormones that cause you to cry at stupid commercials or tv shows that are never meant to be emotional at all. hormones that cause you to lash out at your husband and make him feel like crap.
pile all the physical stuff, on top of the list of people asking when you're going to have children. "how long have you been trying? oh you'll get there. you're still so young. don't worry. you're just trying too hard. it will happen when its supposed to happen. don't worry, your day will come. trust me, you can wait to have kids - they are so much work. maybe if you lost weight. maybe if you ate strictly vegetarian. don't worry, it will happen when you least expect it. i've been trying for 6 months, how about you? i got pregnant after a year of trying, it will happen. God has a plan for your life." these are only a FEW of the things that well-meaning people have said to me. yes, i realize that they mean well, i realize they say these things with hope that it will make me feel better. and at the time when i hear it, God grants me a lot of graciousness and patience. because it is not anyone's fault and i cannot expect anyone to understand what those things really feel like when i hear it. certain people in my life, i definitely don't mind if they say certain things, because they have been going through this with me for years. but others, it hits like a spear.
just yesterday, my nephew asked me if i was going to have a baby in my tummy one day. i said "i sure hope so buddy." then he asked if everyone has babies. that gave me an opportunity to tell him that sometimes people don't have babies. sometimes people's bodies don't let them have babies. he asked if my body was keeping me from having babies. i told him, for now, its seems like it and i just have to keep praying for a baby. then i told him lets change the topic. he sweetly obliged and told me all about the biggest lizard ever! bless his sweet heart.
anyway - i'm just rambling and writing a book it seems. i haven't even really scratched the surface of all the feelings i have. and really... just like ron weasley says in harry potter: "one person couldn't feel all that. they'd explode." well yes, ronald weasley, at times i feel like i really will explode. anyway - i don't want to continue right now... but it does feel good to get some of this out in the open. i am going to be trying a PCOS diet and exercising more (however, my energy level is next to none and i have had no energy to go to the gym... which is unfortunate). i am going to continue drinking my fertilitea. i've only been drinking it for about a month, so i don't really expect anything this early. to be honest, i don't expect any results from it at all. the people at the fairhaven clinic suggested i take the fertility pills as well as drink the tea. we'll see what happens... maybe i will take them up on that. however, that is a bit pricey. alas, i'm really going to stop writing now. till another time when i feel like being open and honest with my broken body, my breaking heart, my melodramatic craziness, and my nonsensical me. ciao.
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