i'm not even sure if i'll post this, but maybe i will. i am pretty much an open book with how i feel about things that go on in my life. and many, if not most of you, know that i struggle with infertility. my acceptance and feelings regarding this truth, change from day to day. some days, i think to myself, "oh well, its not that bad, i can wait. i mean, i like my freedom, i like it being just me and bud and the animals." i wonder if that is a coping mechanism, because that is most definitely not true. at the nitty gritty root of it all, infertility is so ridiculously hard for me to handle. God is gracious and gives me more good days than bad, and i am hoping to be more faithful on the bad days. meaning, on my bad days of coping with the fact that i may never have a child, i want to be more spiritually minded. i want to go straight to God and tell him how i'm feeling. i want to plead before Him, i want to give HIM my hearts desires, rather than swallow it up inside and not deal with it.
i need to be honest with God and not act as if i'm not crushed every time i get my period or have a negative pregnancy test. because, honestly, who am i kidding? he knows my every thought. he knows my every need and desire... i'm not fooling God. and part of me thinks, maybe He doesn't want me to have a child. maybe there are things in my past, that give him good reason to not want to bless me with a child. (and i know what many of you are thinking... oh why wouldn't He want to give you a child? or OH that's not how it works.... but throw me a bone, this is just how my mind works.) today is one of those days. where my mind is full of thoughts on getting pregnant and how to help myself get there. all the while, my heart is yearning for a child and is aching. i woke up with different intentions this morning. though somehow, when i got on the computer, i basically started beating myself up, by watching copious amounts of "i'm pregnant" and "first ultrasound" YouTube videos.
do not get me wrong, i love to hear of family, friends, and even strangers being blessed with life in their womb. that is never in question. but in all honesty, the joy is short lived as it immediately sends me into grievance for my own. i grieve every time i see something about someone i know and love getting pregnant. i grieve because my heart is completely torn in two. i am, in one half of my heart, overjoyed that there will be a baby coming into the world and will have the chance to be loved, to love, and to grow and to learn. i'm ecstatic that my loved one gets to experience one of the greatest blessings God has given to us, humans. but shortly after, my joy switches to the deepest and most gut wrenching pain. i grieve and long and miss someone i have never even met. i miss and desire to hold a child that is a fruit of mine and bud's love, to smell, to kiss, to hug, to nurse, to love...
how can you miss someone you've never met? how can you love someone who doesn't even exist yet?
even now, i allowed myself 10 minutes to get distracted. tabbed my browser over to facebook. looked at some pictures of a friends honeymoon. posted a couple political things. but then, what happens, i get wrapped up in looking at a friends pregnancy and baby pictures. its not an obsession, its not coveting. because i don't want someone else's life. i don't want someone else's experience. its not even really jealousy, because regardless, a child is/will be born and that is a blessing. its just... so difficult to explain. its the deepest longing i've ever experienced in my life. i want to know what life is truly like as a mother. i want to experience the God given gift that is childbirth. if i am somehow granted children by other means (adoption), that will be wonderful and beautiful too. i want to be blessed and entrusted with a life.
God please entrust a child into mine and bud's life. we are up to the challenge. we are of one mind. we want to bring Glory to your name, raise a child up in Your ways. please hear our pleas. fill my empty womb with the fruit of mine and bud's love for one another and of Your grace and love. amen.
i need to be honest with God and not act as if i'm not crushed every time i get my period or have a negative pregnancy test. because, honestly, who am i kidding? he knows my every thought. he knows my every need and desire... i'm not fooling God. and part of me thinks, maybe He doesn't want me to have a child. maybe there are things in my past, that give him good reason to not want to bless me with a child. (and i know what many of you are thinking... oh why wouldn't He want to give you a child? or OH that's not how it works.... but throw me a bone, this is just how my mind works.) today is one of those days. where my mind is full of thoughts on getting pregnant and how to help myself get there. all the while, my heart is yearning for a child and is aching. i woke up with different intentions this morning. though somehow, when i got on the computer, i basically started beating myself up, by watching copious amounts of "i'm pregnant" and "first ultrasound" YouTube videos.
do not get me wrong, i love to hear of family, friends, and even strangers being blessed with life in their womb. that is never in question. but in all honesty, the joy is short lived as it immediately sends me into grievance for my own. i grieve every time i see something about someone i know and love getting pregnant. i grieve because my heart is completely torn in two. i am, in one half of my heart, overjoyed that there will be a baby coming into the world and will have the chance to be loved, to love, and to grow and to learn. i'm ecstatic that my loved one gets to experience one of the greatest blessings God has given to us, humans. but shortly after, my joy switches to the deepest and most gut wrenching pain. i grieve and long and miss someone i have never even met. i miss and desire to hold a child that is a fruit of mine and bud's love, to smell, to kiss, to hug, to nurse, to love...
how can you miss someone you've never met? how can you love someone who doesn't even exist yet?
even now, i allowed myself 10 minutes to get distracted. tabbed my browser over to facebook. looked at some pictures of a friends honeymoon. posted a couple political things. but then, what happens, i get wrapped up in looking at a friends pregnancy and baby pictures. its not an obsession, its not coveting. because i don't want someone else's life. i don't want someone else's experience. its not even really jealousy, because regardless, a child is/will be born and that is a blessing. its just... so difficult to explain. its the deepest longing i've ever experienced in my life. i want to know what life is truly like as a mother. i want to experience the God given gift that is childbirth. if i am somehow granted children by other means (adoption), that will be wonderful and beautiful too. i want to be blessed and entrusted with a life.
God please entrust a child into mine and bud's life. we are up to the challenge. we are of one mind. we want to bring Glory to your name, raise a child up in Your ways. please hear our pleas. fill my empty womb with the fruit of mine and bud's love for one another and of Your grace and love. amen.
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