the sound of thunder, the flash of lightning. its one of those things that brings me to an understanding and awe of the powers of the Lord. i have been feeling totally depressed, worthless, helpless, defeated. i'm trying so hard to lose weight, but things get in my way. mostly myself. but other things like limitations physically for working out, limitations on finances to buy food that is better for me, rather than the junk that is cheaper. and a lack of accountability from people i know. (but thankfully, a few friends have stepped up and are willing to do things alongside me. its unfortunate that some of them are nowhere near me, so all of our interaction will have to be online.) anyway, let me continue to tell you how i'm feeling and then i will explain how this all ties in with the rumble of thunder that just shook my house.
i'm feeling less and less feminine the longer i am unable to get pregnant. and my mind always wanders and my heart aches every time i hear of someone being pregnant. i don't want to be THAT girl. i don't want to resent my friends who are blessed with a child in their womb. i don't want to covet the children that are in the wombs of people like snooki and other ridiculous people. i don't want to be the person that makes other people feel bad for getting pregnant before me. i don't want to feel alone in these feelings, but i do. i feel as if no one truly understands and those that actually care... can't help me because its not within their power to help. the past few weeks have been tough in this respect. a large portion of my thoughts have been centered around getting healthier, losing weight, and getting pregnant. i know that these thoughts are not, in themselves, sinful. in fact, being controlled by food is sinful. and being pregnant is a blessing of the Lord, who am i to argue about who does and who does not get pregnant. but even more importantly, i cannot allow these feelings/thoughts to cause me to neglect the delight i can ONLY find in the Lord Jesus Christ.
the thunder and lightning reminded me that i am not in control. and while i know that and i don't see myself as a control freak... its hard to wait and be patient on certain things. when things have possible answers or solutions, i want to act on them. when things seem so simple, but yet don't work out, it is frustrating. i don't like to wait when it comes to fixing things that need to be fixed. and i know the Lord is teaching me a great deal about patience and releasing my "control" over things that are in HIS hands and not in my own.
"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin." (James 4:13-17 ESV) this is a reminder that you do not know what the future brings. what will happen tomorrow or even the next minute. nobody knows what will happen in the future. a business man (as james is describing in this passage) may have a well executed plan ahead of him, but what if someone robs him before he gets to his city. or what happens if he does well but then a disaster happens and its wiped out by a fire or other catastrophe? the prediction of future events is foolish. the only ONE who knows what will happen in the future is the Lord.
why wouldn't we submit our plans first to the first foundational fundamental presupposition? its because of sin. sin is when i say... i need to trust myself. i am in control. but james 4:14 says "what is your life? for you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." our life is vapor. and this doesn't rely on how long we live. this isn't from the perspective of eternity. what we must do as Christ's elect is submit our plans to Him, make them contingent on HIS leading. be GOD centered, not self-centered. not man-centered. if we are GOD centered, we will not covet what tomorrow may bring. we won't pay lip service to God. He will be at the center of our lives and not man. man has no business in the place where GOD demands and deserves to be. at the center of our lives. it is not unwise to plan ahead, but the plans need to be under the Lordship of God first. and all these thoughts were brought to me by the thunder. i am not in control. if God can shake my house just by some thunder... he can shake my life and my world with even less. i need to let him guide. and i know that i am... but there are days, weeks, months, where i fight him. and its futile because i will lose. because God is sovereign and just and knows what He is doing.
Lord help me to trust. help me to plan life only under your Lordship. let my plans be contingent on your word and your guidance. help me trust and love you more than i trust and love my plans. help me to not be self-centered, but GOD-centered. help me to enjoy life as you lay it before my feet. open my eyes to your plans, to your reasoning, to your promises. and help me to come to you with open hands and a willing spirit. amen.
if you read this blog and made it this far, good job! sorry that it was kind of long winded... but my heart is full of craziness and i am trying to do what i should and have my thoughts held captive and pointed towards Christ and not on my situation. happy leap year 2012! hope your day was lovely.
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| i found this picture here, with quite a sad story. |
the thunder and lightning reminded me that i am not in control. and while i know that and i don't see myself as a control freak... its hard to wait and be patient on certain things. when things have possible answers or solutions, i want to act on them. when things seem so simple, but yet don't work out, it is frustrating. i don't like to wait when it comes to fixing things that need to be fixed. and i know the Lord is teaching me a great deal about patience and releasing my "control" over things that are in HIS hands and not in my own.
"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin." (James 4:13-17 ESV) this is a reminder that you do not know what the future brings. what will happen tomorrow or even the next minute. nobody knows what will happen in the future. a business man (as james is describing in this passage) may have a well executed plan ahead of him, but what if someone robs him before he gets to his city. or what happens if he does well but then a disaster happens and its wiped out by a fire or other catastrophe? the prediction of future events is foolish. the only ONE who knows what will happen in the future is the Lord.
why wouldn't we submit our plans first to the first foundational fundamental presupposition? its because of sin. sin is when i say... i need to trust myself. i am in control. but james 4:14 says "what is your life? for you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." our life is vapor. and this doesn't rely on how long we live. this isn't from the perspective of eternity. what we must do as Christ's elect is submit our plans to Him, make them contingent on HIS leading. be GOD centered, not self-centered. not man-centered. if we are GOD centered, we will not covet what tomorrow may bring. we won't pay lip service to God. He will be at the center of our lives and not man. man has no business in the place where GOD demands and deserves to be. at the center of our lives. it is not unwise to plan ahead, but the plans need to be under the Lordship of God first. and all these thoughts were brought to me by the thunder. i am not in control. if God can shake my house just by some thunder... he can shake my life and my world with even less. i need to let him guide. and i know that i am... but there are days, weeks, months, where i fight him. and its futile because i will lose. because God is sovereign and just and knows what He is doing.
Lord help me to trust. help me to plan life only under your Lordship. let my plans be contingent on your word and your guidance. help me trust and love you more than i trust and love my plans. help me to not be self-centered, but GOD-centered. help me to enjoy life as you lay it before my feet. open my eyes to your plans, to your reasoning, to your promises. and help me to come to you with open hands and a willing spirit. amen.
if you read this blog and made it this far, good job! sorry that it was kind of long winded... but my heart is full of craziness and i am trying to do what i should and have my thoughts held captive and pointed towards Christ and not on my situation. happy leap year 2012! hope your day was lovely.
amen.
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