I don't like to bring attention to myself -for myself. Especially since I've had Buel, what he does from day to day is way more exciting and interesting. Hence why I post about him a lot. That being said... I want to be open about how I'm feeling lately. It's a mixture of feelings... Convoluted and I think it would be helpful to get it out.
This pregnancy has been way more difficult than when I was pregnant with Buel. Not only was I super surprised to get pregnant so quickly, I was also not physically as prepared. I was way unhealthy. I weighed 50 pounds more than I did when I got pregnant with Buel. My blood pressure was elevated as was my blood sugar. All sorts of stuff was out of whack. But shortly after starting my midwife appointments, it hit me that I need to take this seriously for the baby, for myself, and for my goal of a VBAC.
If you don't recall, I had to have a cesarean section with Buel and it was no fun at all. I believe it was necessary but it still was not what I wanted. I've longed for a natural birth and I tried my hardest. 36+ hours of labor with no medication and purely exhausted... I gave it all I had. So this time around, I am desperately trying for a natural VBAC. And I knew that if I was going to give myself the best chance of achieving that, I needed to take my health seriously.
I am not perfect. I know I don't eat enough veggies, but I tried. I changed my diet, started counting carbs and put myself on a high protein low carb diet. Also, from the beginning of this pregnancy, I have dealt with sciatic and hip pains. I've dealt with a lot of pains and aches so I've tried to do exercises and stretches to help with that too. It's not been very helpful. Also I have unfortunately developed a minor case of gestational diabetes, even though I started taking care of myself. According to the nutritionist, it's nothing I caused but my body and placenta battling. But regardless... It's there and it sucks. So I've had to be even more strict... I have to check my blood 4 times a day, track the numbers and make sure I'm eating the right amount of carbs and protein each meal.
It's a lot to follow and understand. It's a lot to take on when you're already working 50 hours a week and pregnant. That being said, I've adapted my lifestyle to eating the diabetic diet and making sure to walk a lot throughout my entire pregnancy. I have been incredibly active; walking every day with my parents and nephews and Buel is on my day to day schedule. The only days I'm actually lazy are on the weekends. Well... now that I'm 7.5 months pregnant and still dealing with intense back/hip/sciatic pain... I am slowing down.
On top of all of my physical issues, I've had to deal with a bit of emotional hardship as well. This pregnancy has caused a score of hormonal stuff... I've been incredibly emotional... More so than what is normal for me. We still struggle financially, but we always make ends meet. On top of that, my best friend Neva had to move 2 months before this baby is due to arrive, meaning she will not be able to be there for her birth. For the VBAC we all have been praying for. It's hard to have such a big and disappointing thing happen at the tail end of a pregnancy. Also, I had a day where Amiette was very quiet and I got so scared that something was wrong, so I spent the evening in labor and delivery making sure she is okay. Thank God she was just tired that day. Add to that the stress of all my appointments... for diabetes and midwives and juggling it all and keeping it all straight... It's just been a very tough pregnancy. It's been hard and it's been hard to stop and enjoy Buel and bud. It's hard to stop and truly enjoy my pregnancy. And I'm dealing with depression... And I need to acknowledge that so that I'm facing these demons before labor happens and I get psyched out and sabotage myself out of a VBAC.
So this has been what my heart and body has been going through lately... And I have not felt like I've overcome or succeeded in any of the hard work I've out ou there. Then bud took a picture of me and I realized something...
The scale that I stand on is going down, not up. Baby is healthy and flourishing. She is perfect in size and is very active. My blood sugar numbers are great, and my blood pressure is consistently lower than it was when I first found out I was pregnant. So I've done a lot. I've done so much work and I have worked my butt off for this baby, for this pregnancy, for this VBAC.
If I don't get my VBAC... I will be horribly disappointed. But I will know that I've worked hard to do what I can to achieve it... I've surrounded myself with support, I've gotten healthy, I've strengthened my body... I'm doing what I need and I am actually humbled by the grace and provision that God has done in and through my life. Because I know the focus has been in ME... But none of this would be possible without God's grace and providence, without His mercy and goodness in my life. Without the prayers of my loved ones and the encouragement of those who pour their lives into mine, I would not have made it through. So thank you to everyone who has helped me. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!
This picture is so helpful... I'm glad I noticed the difference. God is so good!!!
Left: 2-3 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. Right: 2-3 days prior to writing this blog!
We are almost there. Just a few more weeks and I'll be holding my little girl! It's exciting and scary and so amazing.
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