vague and mysterious... (long but heartfelt and honest)

long rant/explanation/vent session:

so last saturday, i left a pretty vague facebook status asking for prayer for an unspoken subject, but asked for prayer for strength, stout of heart, courage, etc. i do not typically leave facebook statuses that are vague and overly dramatic like that. my life is not that dramatic and i don't want to bring unnecessary attention to myself. i have my issues, struggles, stresses, etc. but that's life in a nutshell for most anyone. while i am very open and public on facebook and the intrawebs in general, i try not to fish for compliments, sympathy, or anything else (except for when i want my husband to shower me with kind words... because well... every now and then i get a little bit needy as a wife! teehee... its my downfall i suppose).

with that being said, i felt like i should be open with what that was all about. many friends prayed for me and a few even messaged me privately to tell me that they were around if i needed to talk. i am so grateful for that kind of support. however, i am sure many people have already forgotten that status. lets face it, in the facebook age, life goes by so quickly and with so much information being thrown around, its hard not to get wrapped up and forget about things. i do it myself. i pray for people but then forget to pray for them later. it sucks, but its the truth. i need to get better with that. and i'm hoping that i will... so let me explain why i needed prayer for strength and courage.

it was exactly a week ago during a discussion with bud, that i had a meltdown about myself. i know many wives have meltdowns about being imperfect, about having issues, about being busy, about having no time, about being stressed. i do not want to act as if my life is the busiest and that i have it the hardest. that is not the case at all. but i will own up and say that this semester is proving to be super busy, hard, stressful, and a true test of my stamina and prowess. i am clinging to any and all the support i'm given and definitely finding myself asking God to show me grace more-so than i had been. i still don't pray enough and i do not spend nearly enough time with God and His word. but i'm glad that this time of stress is bringing me to prayer. now if only i could get on track with praying without having stress! *sigh* i'm getting there... God is molding me. bringing me to Himself. but i digress...

my meltdown was about everything. the stress of school, work, homework, fieldwork, and the duties of being a wife; along with that, add my own personal desires to the mix; desires to be a mom, to be in hong kong, to be skinny, to be a good wife and auntie and one day, a mom. the fact that i am so busy does not allow me to go to the gym, so i have been feeling myself gain the weight i lost from all that working out i was doing over the summer and such. it was just weighing me down (no pun intended). but i had no idea what was going to help. but i remembered talking to a dear friend who told me about a life coach and a program that helps significantly with weight loss and gaining a healthy lifestyle. i kept thinking about it and thinking about it, wondering how i could bring it up to bud and explain it to him in a way that would not sound silly and trivial. with everything else going on in life, why did i need to allow myself to be dragged down with these thoughts. but nonetheless, they were there.

i'm getting to the point, i promise. this is just... there's so much on my heart that i want to explain...

i had my meltdown and told bud exactly how i felt. how i was overwhelmed with life, that i wanted to get healthy and be able to get pregnant and be healthy during pregnancy. i told him that it was not going to happen because i'm not losing weight, that i'm gaining the weight i've lost back. i told him how ugly i felt and how disgusting and how unappealing. tears were rolling down my cheeks. and then i told him about the program that is being used to help people get healthy and lose weight. and really, to my surprise, he agreed. i explained the program a little more and he still agreed. i told him the cost, and he still agreed. it was wonderful. <3 so thankfully, he supported me, i made an appointment, and went to see some people at a nearby clinic to discuss my weight, my health, and my desire to be at a normal and healthy weight. that being said, i'll just spit it out.

i am now on the medifast diet plan. i have a life coach, suzy henshaw, who is amazing and such a source of encouragement and knowledge. i have a special diet delivered to my house and i follow a very strict plan that is geared towards optimal health and weight loss. assuming things go well, i should reach my goal weight by spring. that is assuming things go as quickly as i hope. so far its proving to work and be successful. i started on the 3rd of October. its not been easy, its definitely required prayer, self control, strength, stout of heart, courage, and everything else i am and have needed prayer for. i miss certain foods already, i miss being able to share things with my husband, i miss a lot of things. but i know i need to retrain my body to be able to handle regular food. i need to retrain my brain to look at food in a different way, first and foremost, as fuel for my body and not just as something that tastes good. i need to see food as sustenance as well as tasty. i need to treat my body as the temple that it is. i need to treat it with respect and with love and with the care that God wants for me. so i have committed to this diet plan. with this life change. with this change.

i need to do this for my health. i need to do this for my family. i need to do this for my husband. i need to do this for the ability to get pregnant. i need to do this so that i will have more energy and be more fun with my nephews and any children that may come along. i need to do this for myself. but most importantly, i need to do this for God. yes, He can use me in any shape or health or form. but i want to be able to do my best. i want to do my best. i want to live with self-control.

thankfully, God has provided me with an amazing husband who has been more than supportive. i have an incredible life coach who is supportive, understanding, open, and real with me. i have a wonderful family who is backing me up and telling me daily that they are proud of me. i have friends who have backed me up and supported me.  i have support from church members. i have support from people on facebook that i don't even know. and to be honest, i am completely overwhelmed by the shower of love and graciousness and support that i'm being shown. its been so wonderful and encouraging. and thankfully, God has already shown me progress. i've lost 7 pounds in 3 days. it is incredible. i am staying on plan and i plan to do so, even when it gets tough. because being healthy and feeling happy in my own skin, being prepared for a baby PHYSICALLY... is so important to me and it is definitely a great motivation. so that was why i needed prayer. not just for signing up, but for being so open with my imperfections to strangers, for standing on revealing scales that explain exactly what your life looks like medically... its been difficult and humbling. but i'm ready for the change.

please keep me in your prayers. please check on me. please ask me how i'm doing. ask questions. comment. i covet all of these things as i will need it. i have done many things to try and lose weight... i just hope that this is the thing i needed.

if you've read this far, you're a true lady or gentleman. i love you and i'm blessed by your love and friendship and for being apart of my life. thank you. i'm planning on doing vlogs to show my progress... perhaps once a week. i'll show some of my foods and give some reviews. i'm excited. nervous. but excited. till next time.

grace&peace.